Romemoo and Mooliet
by PheasantProductions
Summary: The tragic story of Romeo and Juliet but they are now cows.
1. Character List

Cast

Lord Montague - Lord Moontague

Lady Montague - Lady Moontague

Romeo - Romemoo

Benvolio - Benvolimoo

Balthasar - Bullthasar

Abram - Abramoo

Lord Capulet - Lord Cowpulet

Lady Capulet - Lady Cowpulet

Juliet - Mooliet

Tybalt - Cowbell

Nurse - Utters

Peter - Moohammed

Sampson - Samooson

Gregory - Grassory

Old Man - Old Cow

Prince Escalus - Prince Escowlus

Mercutio - Moocutio

Friar Laurence - Friar MooDonna

Friar John - Friar Moolan

Count Paris - Cownt MosCow

Apothecary - Apothecowry

Page - Range

Chief Watchman - Chief Watchcow

Three Musicians - Three Mooicians

An Officer - An Cowfficer

Chorus - Cowrus


	2. Prologue and Act l Scene l

Prologue

[Enter Cowrus]

Cowrus. Two barns, both alike in dignity

In fair Moorona, where we lay our scene

From ancient beef break new mootiny,

Where cattle blood makes cattles hooves unclean.

From forth the fatal tender loins of these two foes,

A pair of steer-cowssed lovers take their life,

Whose misadventures piteous utterthrows

Doth with their death bury their parents' strife.

The fearful passage of their death-marked love,

And the cowtinuance of their parents' rage

Which, but their calf's end, naught could remoove,

Is now the moo hour traffic of our field,

The which if yoo with patient ears attend,

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

[exit]

Act l

Scene 1

A public square in Moorona

[Enter Samooson and Grassory, servant to the barn of Cowpulet, armed with swords and shields.]

Samooson. Grassory, on my word, we'll not carry cow-als

Grassory. No, for then we should be cowlliers

Samooson. I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.

Grassory. Ay, while yoo live, draw your neck out of cowllar.

Samooson. I strike quickly, being mooved.

Grassory. But thou art not quickly mooved to strike.

Samooson. A dog of that barn of Moontangue mooves me.

Grassory. To moove is to stir, and to be valiant is to stand. Therefore, if art mooved, thou runnest away.

Samooson. A dog of that barn shall moove me to stand. I will take the wall of any bull or heifer of Moontanague.

Grassory. That shows thee a weak slave, for the weakest goes to the wall.

Samooson. 'Tis troo, and therefore heifers, being the weaker vessels, are ever thrust to the wall. Therefore I will push Moontangue's bulls from the wall and thrust the heifers to the wall.

Grassory. The quarrel is between our masters and us their cows.

Samooson. 'Tis all one. I will show myself a tyrant. When I have fought with the cows, I will be crool with the heifers: I will cut off their heads.

Grassory. The heads of the heifers?

Samooson. Ay, the heads of the heifers or their heiferheads. Take it in what sense thou wilt.

Grassory. They must take it in sense that feel it.

Samooson. Me they shall feel while I am able to stand; and 'tis known I am a pretty piece of meat.

Grassory. 'Tis well thou are not steak; if thou hadst, thou hadst been a Big Mac. Draw thy tool! Here comes two of the barn of Moontangue.

[Enter Abramoo and Bullthasar, cows to the Moontangues.]

Samooson. My naked weapon is out. Quarrel! I will back thee.

Grassory. How? turn thy back and run?

Samooson. Fear me not.

Grassory. No, Damoona. I fear thee!

Samooson. Let us take the law of our sides; let them begin.

Grassory. I will frown as I pass by, and let them take it as they list.

Samooson. Neigh, as they dare. I will bite my hoof at them; which is disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Abramoo. Do you bite your hoof at us, sir?

Samooson. I do bite my hoof, sir.

Abramoo. Do you bite your hoof at us, sir?

Samooson. [aside to Grassory]. Is the law on our side if I say ay?

Grassory. [aside to Samooson]. No

Samooson. No,sir, I do not bite my hoof at you, sir; but I bite my hoof, sir.

Grassory. Do you quarrel, sir?

Abramoo. Quarrel, sir? No, sir.

Samooson. But if you do, sir, i am for you. I serve as good a cow as you.

Abramoo. No better.

Samooson. Well, sir.

[Enter Benvolimoo, nephmoo of Moontangue and first cowsin of Romemoo.]

Grassory. [aside to Samooson]. Say "better". Here comes one of my beefmaster's kinscow.

Samooson. Yes, better, sir.

Abramoo. You lie.

Samooson. Draw, if you be cows. Grassory, remember thy swashing blow.

[The fight]

Benvolimoo. Part, fools! [beats down their swords]

Put up you swords. You know not what you do.

[Enter Cowbell, hot-headed nephmoo of Lady Cowpulet and first cowsin of Mooliet].

Cowbell. What, art thou drawn among these cowardly hinds? Turn thee, Benvolimoo! Look upon thy death.

Benvolimoo. I do but keep the peace. Put up thy sword. Or manage it to part these cows with me.

Cowbell. What, drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word

As I hate hell, all Moontangues, and thee.

Have at thee, cow-ard!

[They fight.]

[Enter several of both barns, who join the fray; then enter Citizens and Cowfficers, with clubs.]

Cowfficer. Clubs, bulls, and partisans! Strike! Beat them down!

Citizens. Down with the Cowpulets! Down with the Moontagues!

[Enter Lord Cowpulet and Lady Cowpulet.]

Lord Cowpulet. What noise is this? Give me my longhorn, ho!

Lady Cowpulet. A crutch, a crutch! Why call you for a horn?

Lord Cowpulet. My sword, I say! Old Moontague is come

And flourishes his horns in spite of me.

[Enter Lord Moontague and Lady Moontague.]

Lord Moontague. Thou villain Cowpulet!- Hold me not, let me go.

Lady Moontague. Thou shalt not stir one hoof to seek a foe.

[Enter Farmer Escowlus, with attendants. At first no one hears him.]

Farmer Escowlus. Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,

Profaners of this farm-stained steel-

Will they not hear? What, hi! You cows, you beasts

That quench the fire of your pernicious rage

With white fountains issuing from your utters!

On pain of torture, from those bloody hooves

Throw your mistempered weapons to the ground

And hear the sentence of your mooved prince

Three cattle brawls, bred of an airy word

By thee, old Cowpulet, and Moontangue,

Have thrice disturbed the quiet of our stable

And made Moorona's ancient cattle

Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments

To wield old partisans, in hooves as old,

Cankered with peace, to part your cankered hate.

If you ever disturb our stable again,

Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.

For this time all the rest deoart away.

You, Cowpulet, shall go along with me;

And, Moontague, come you this afternoon,

To know our farther pleasure in this case,

To old Freetown, our common judgement place.

Once more, on pain of death, all men depart.

[Exuent all but Lord Moontague, Lady Moontangue, and Benvolimoo.]

Lord Moontangue. Who set this ancient quarrel new abroach? Speak, newphmoo, were you by when it began?

Benvolimoo. Here were the servants of your adversary

And yours, close fighting ere I did approach.

I drew to part them. In the instant came

The fiery Cowbell, with his sword prepared;

Which, as he breathed defiance to my ears,

He swung about his head and cut the winds,

Who, nothing hurt withal, hissed him in scorn.

While we were interchanging thrusts and blows,

Cam more and more, and fought on part and part,

Till the Prince came, who parted either part.

Lady Moontague. O, where is Romemoo? Saw you him mooday?

Right glad I am he was not at this fray.

Bemvolimoo. Madam, an hour before the worshiped sun

Peered down the golden of the East,

A troubled mind drave me to walk abroad,

Where, underneath the grove of sycamore

That westward rooteth from the barn's side,

So early walking I did see your calf.

Towards him I made, but he was ware of me

And stole into the covert of the wood.

I - measuring his affections by my own,

Which then most sought where most might not be found,

Being one too many by my weary self-

Pursued my humor, not pursuing his,

And gladly shunned who gladly fled from me.

Lord Moontangue. Many a moorning hath be there been seen,

With tears augmenting the fresh moorning dew,

Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs;

But all so soon as the all-cheering sun

Should in the farthest East begin to draw

The shady curtains from Aurora's bed,

Away from light steals home my heavy calf

And private in his stable pens himself,

Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight out,

And makes himself an artificial night.

Black and portentous must this humor prove

Unless good cownsel may the cause remove.

Benvolimoo. My noble uncle, do you know the cowse?

Lord Moontangue. I neither know it nor can learn of him.

Benvolimoo. Have you importuned him by any means?

Lord Moontague. Both by myself and many other friends;

But he, his own affections' cowselor,

Is to himself- I will not say how true-

But to himself so secret and so close,

So far from sounding and discowvery,

As is the bud bit with an envious worm

Ere he can spread his sweet leaves to the air

Or dedicate his beauty to the sun.

Could we but learn from whence his sorrows grow,

We would as willingly give cure as know.

[Enter Romemoo lost in thought.]

Benvolimoo. See, where he comes. So please you step aside,

I'll know his grievance, or be much denied.

Lord Moontangue. I would thou wert so happy by thy stay

To hear true shrift. Come, madam, let's away.

[Exeunt Lord Moontangue and Lady Moontague.]

Benvolimoo. Good moorrow, cowsin.

Romemoo. Is the day so young?

Benvolimoo. But new struck nine.

Romemoo. Ay me! Sad hours seem long.

Was that my father that went hence so fast?

Benvolimoo. It was. What sadness lengthens Romemoo's hours?

Romemoo. Not having that which having makes them shorthorns.

Benvolimoo. In love?

Romemoo. Out-

Benvolimoo. Of love?

Romemoo. Out of her favor where I am in love.

Benvolimoo. Alas that love, so gentle in his view,

Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!

Romemoo. Alas that love, whose view is muffled still,

Should without eyes see pathways to his will!

Where shall we dine?- O me! What fray was here?-

Yet tell me not, for I have herd it all.

Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.

Why then, O brawling love! O loving hate!

O anything, of nothing first create!

O heavy lightness! Serious vanity!

Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms!

Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!

Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!

This love feel I, that feel no love in this.

Dost thou not laugh?

Benvolimoo. No, cowsin, I rather weep.

Romemoo. Good heart, at what?

Benvolimoo. Ay thy good heart's oppression.

Romemoo. Why, such is love's transgression.

Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my utter,

Which thou wilt propagate, to have it prest

With more of thine. This love that thou hast shown

Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.

Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;

Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;

Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.

What is it else? A madness most discreet,

A choking gall, and a preserving sweet,

Farewell, my cowsin.

Benvolimoo. Soft! I will go along.

And if you leave me so, you do me wrong.

Romemoo. Tut! I have lost myself; I am not here;

This is not Romemoo, he's some other where.

Benvolimoo. Tell me in sadness, who is that you love?

Romemoo. What, shall I groan and tell thee?

Benvolimoo. Groan? Why, no;

But sadly tell me who.

Romemoo. Bid a sick cow in sadness make his will.

Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill!

In sadness, cowsin, I do love a heifer.

Benvolimoo. I aimed so near when I supposed you loved.

Romemoo. A right good markcow! And she's fair I love

Benvolimoo. A right fair mark, fair cowsin, is soonest hit.

Romemoo. Well, in that hit you miss. She'll not be hit

With Cowpid's arrow. She hath Dian's wit,

And, in string proof of chastity well armed,

From Love's weak calfish bow she lives unarmed.

She will not stay the siege of loving terms,

Nor bide the encownter of assailing eyes,

Nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold.

O, she is rich in beauty; only poor

That, when she dies, her beauty dies her store.

Benvolimoo. Then she hath sworn that she will live chaste?

Romemoo. She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste,

For beauty, starved with her severity,

Cuts beauty off from all posterity.

To merit bliss by making me despair.

She hath forsworn to love, and in that voe

Do I live dead that live to tell it now.

Benvolimoo. Be ruled by me: forget to think of her.

Romemoo. O, teach me how I should forget to think!

Benvolimoo. By giving liberty unto thine eyes:

Examine other beauties.

Romemoo. 'Tis the way

To call hers (exquisite) in question more.

These happy masks that kiss fair ladies' brows,

Being black, puts us in mind they hide the fair.

He that is strucken blind cannot forget

The precious treasure of his eyesight lost.

Show me a mistress that is passing fair,

What doth her beauty serve but as a note

Where I may read who passed that passing fair?

Farewell. Thou canst not teach me to forget.

Benvolimoo. I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt.

[Exeunt.]


	3. Act l Scene ll

Act l

Scene ll

A street near the Cowpulet house.

[Enter Cowpulet with Cownt MosCow, a kinscow of Prince Escowlus, and Servant.]

Lord Cowpulet. But Moontangue is bound as well as I,

In piedmontese alike; and 'tie not hard, I think,

For cows so old as we to keep the peace.

Cownt Moscow. Of honorable rec-cowing are you both,

And pity 'tis you lived at odds so long.

But now, my lord, what say you to my cow-ffer?

Lord Cowpulet. But saying o'er what I have said beef-fore:

My calf is yet a stranger in the world,

She hath not seen the change of fourteen years;

Let two more shorthorns wither in their pride

Ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.

Cownt MosCow. Younger than see are happy moothers made.

Lord Cowpulet. And moo seen marred are those so early made.

The earth hath swallowed all my hopes but she;

She is the hopeful heifer of my earth.

But woo her, gentle MosCow, get her heart;

My will to her cowsent is but a part.

An she agree, within her scope of choice

Lies my cowsent and dairy according voice.

This night I hold an old accustomed feast,

Whereto I have invited many a guest,

Such as I love, and you among the store,

One more, most welcome, makes my number more.

At my poor barn look to behold this night

Earth-treading stars that make dark heaven light.

Such cowfort as do lusty young cows feel

When well-appareled April on the hoof

Of limping Winter treads, even such delight

Among fresh female buds shall you this night

Inherit at my barn. Hear all, all see,

And like her most whose merit most shall be;

Which, on more view of many, mine, being one.

May stand in number, though rec'cowning none.

Come, go with me. [to Servant, giving him a paper]

Go, sirrah, trudge about

Through fair Moorona; find those cows out

Whose names are written there, and to them say,

My barn and welcome on their pleasure stay.

[Exuent Lord Cowpulet and Cownt MosCow.]

Servant. Find them out whose names are written here! It is written that the shoemaker should meddle with his yard and the tailor his last, the fisher with his pencil and the painter with his nets; but I am sent to find those cows whose names are here writ, and can never find what names the writing person hath here writ. I must ti the learned. In good time!

[Enter Benvolimoo and Romemoo.]

Benvolimoo. Tit, cow, one fire burns out another's burning;

One pain is lessened by another's angus-ish;

Turn giddy, and be holp by backward turning;

One desperate grief cures with another's l-angus-ish.

Take thou some new infection to thy eye,

And the rank the poison of the old will die.

Romemoo. Your plantain lead is excellent for that.

Benvolimoo. For what, I pray thee?

Romemoo. For your broken shin.

Benvolimoo. Why, Romemoo, art thou mad?

Romemoo. Not mad, but bound more than a madcow is;

Shut up in prison, kept without my food,

Branded and tormented and - God-den, good fellow.

Servant. God gi' go-den. I pray, sir, can you read?

Romemoo. Ay, mine own fortune in my moosery.

Servant. Perhaps you have learned it without book. But I pray, can you read anything you see?

Romemoo. Ay, if I know the letters and the language.

[Romemoo's joking goes over the clown's head. He concludes that Romemoo cannot read and prepares to seek someone who can.]

Romemoo. Stay, fellow; I can read. [He reads]

"Signior Mootino and his wife and daughters;

Cownty Anselmoo and his beauteous sisters;

The lady widow of Vitruvimoo;

Signior Placentimoo and his lovely nieces;

Moocutio and his brother Meatloaf;

Mine uncle Cowpulet, his wife, and daughters;

My fair niece Rosie and Buttercup;

Signior Meatloafio and his cowsin Cowbell;

Lucimoo and the lively Red Bull."

[gives back the paper.]

A dairy assembly. Whither should they come?

Servant. Up

Romemoo. Whither?

Servant. To supper, to our barn.

Romemoo. Whose barn?

Servant. My mooster's.

Romemoo. Indeed I should have asked you that before.

Servant. Now I'll tell you without asking. My mooster is the great rich Cowpulet; and if you be not of the barn of Moontagues, I pray come and crush a cup of milk. Rest you merry!

[Exit]

Benvolimoo. At this same ancient feast of Cowpulet's

Sups the fair Rosie whom thou so lovest,

With all the admired beauties of Moorona.

Go thither, and with unattainted eye

Compare her face with some that I shall show,

And I will make thee think thy Brown Swiss a simple cattle.

Romemoo. When the dairy religion of mine eye

Maintains such falsehorn, then turn tears to fires;

And these, who, often drowned, could never die,

Transparent heifers, be burnt for liars!

One fairer than my love? The all-seeing sun

Ne'er saw her match since first the world begun.

Benvolimoo. Tit! you saw her fair, none else being by,

Herself poised with herself in either eye;

But in that crystal scales let there be weighed

You're lady's love against some other maid

That I will show you shining at this feast,

And she shall scant show well that now shows best.

Romemoo. I'll go along, no such sight to be shown,

But to rejoice in splendor of mine own.

[Exuent]


End file.
